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‘My hair is covered in gold you know,’ she said.
I wasn’t really listening. The advert had said ‘blond, legged divorcée seeks toy-boy for good times, must not like the Beatles’ but I didn’t think it would be her. When she had walked into the bar I thought she must have been lost or something.
She was wearing giant sunglasses to cover up her face, but she needn’t have bothered. It was a Tuesday evening in All-Bar-One (her choice) in Islington so it wasn’t very busy.
‘Real gold,’ she said.
She had mistaken my mind wondering as a lack of interest. The whole situation seemed a bit strange.
‘So are you new to the dating scene?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I split up with that BASTARD’ her loud voice caught the attention of the pimply teenager behind the bar ‘and now I’m single.’
She lifted her handbag onto the bar.
‘That’s made from whale foreskins.’ She said pointing at it ‘Rare whales, and they throw the rest away after the have chopped it of as it is no good to them.’
I didn’t know what to say so I asked her if she wanted another drink
‘Yes, something classy please like a babysham or a white wine spritzer with lemonade. I’m classy me.’
Before I could reply she continued
‘Which isn’t to say I’m not true to my roots, yeah I’m keeping it real.’
She clicked her fingers and I tried not to notice how the nails seemed to be covered with real leopard skin.
It was going to be a long night so I ordered a double whiskey, when I brought the drinks back she downed her babysham in a single gulp.
‘He hit me you know?’
I gazed at her blankly.
‘Yeah, he was a cruel bastard. Want to fuck?’
I spluttered through my drink.
‘I’ve got something I want you to see.’
With that she grabbed my hand and pulled me into a cab, minutes later we were in a hotel room. The entire journey had been spent in silence. Once inside she dimmed the lights and went into the toilet. I looked around the room, she had hired a deluxe suite from Travel Lodge, so I couldn’t help but be impressed. The tea making facilities were extraordinary.
She emerged from the bathroom entirely naked. I had been busying myself by making a hot Bovril.
Her skin glistened in the light, sparkling faintly.
‘Diamonds.’ She said. ‘I’m covered in diamonds, it was a treat to myself after the divorce.’
She twisted her body slightly and I could see them sparkle in the light. Her body was studded with tiny gems in a regular pattern.
‘I’ve had me pubes done too.’ She pointed at a little triangle of fur ’24 caret white gold, it’s dead classy innit?’
I sipped my Bovril.
‘My shitter is lined with rubies you know’
Again I didn’t know what to say. She turned around and winked her rectum at me. It sparked red in the bright strip lights of the travel-lodge like a demon’s eye.
She pointed at the kettle.
‘Get a brew on, and then you can spaff on my tits’